Epiphany

I wonder sometimes why I kill myself to do so much... especially when it comes to school projects. I am adhering my tiles, but I needed a back break. Hence my being here. Here is how I got to this point today... Or yesterday, as the case may be. It is now Sunday.

So here is the rundown on my Saturday... I woke up at 6:00 AM with no alarm... gotta love that! Ate breakfast, walked several miles in the hills with my mom, danced, sang, played piano, worked a bit, played a bit, you know. It was fun. I talked to some friends, etc. I knew all VP kids would be busy tonight... So I worked on my mosaic, showered and got ready to go to the DSC, and worked the Grossology member's event with my mom. Very fun. Apparently we are creepy. Same everything... except I have my dad's pale genes. : ) Then we went to dinner at CPK and ordered the same entree and drink. Creepy, we are. I went to Barnes and Noble around nine PM. Got Wuthering Heights to read this summer. My AP Language and Comp teacher from last year, the awesome Mrs. Hall, highly recommended it. So there it is, right smack on my reading list for this summer! I got home and started back on my mosaic. While grueling, the labor made me think... why do I kill myself being such an overachiever for these crazy projects? Why am I still stressed in June of senior year?

Then I wondered about the old expression, "publish or perish." I.E. Don't be a lazy bum; produce something that proves you are really working. I think I had an epiphany, but I am too tired to tell. I kill myself so that I don't die... Complacency, I think, may be the closest living experience I have to death... Being smug and satisfied with mediocrity has never worked for me... It just doesn't fly. While I am ashamed of being up so late, it is not because I intentionally procrastinated. It is because I need sleep and this is taking way longer than I expected. Plus the fumes are not so pleasant.

Lately, I have been digitally socializing with Wash U incomers and insiders, and it has been really neat. I feel really optimistic. The requests for me to comment on how I feel about others has lulled a bit, thank goodness. I love showering people in love during a lovefest, do not get me wrong... But I feel as if finding beauty in someone leads to finding more and more beauty until all that I have discover is beauty... When that is not necessarily reality. I am trying to strike a balance. I want to achieve inner beauty by finding beauty in everyone and everything. I think I have gotten pretty close, but my inability to be complacent leads my search to some pretty ridiculous conclusions, which I quickly dismiss. However, I think I might be onto something with this whole complacency business. I try to be smug on as few occasions as possible... I believe that no one has enough friends to alienate or lose any. But to be smug, even just for or to myself, is just... Not me. I am always going to keep my ambitiousness. It is the core of who I am. Complacency and not trying my absolute best are not in my vocabulary. I like to ask people, "If you are not your best you, what you are you?" It sounds lame and confusing, but it helps me stay motivated... Like right now, when it is 2:00 AM and I can't decide if I should go to sleep and rest so I can hit the ground running tomorrow, or if I should power through this... When I compare it to a test, and think about all of the stuff I need to do tomorrow, I think I should sleep. It is not worth it to be dead tomorrow when there is still so much more (beside my mosaic) that needs to be done...

My plate is never empty. No room for complacency anyhow. Rest is fine though. Off I go! : )

Peace! Until tomorrow, nonexistant readers!

Love, Apple #3